Apparently this is not an actual condition but i was diagnosed with it. Go fucking figure. It's like being in a constant state of fight or flight. It's not really constant but when ever i'm outside, receive a phone call, hear the doorbell....you get the picture.
I wonder if other people who have this "condition" feel the same way. It's not fear that I feel when it takes over. It's a state of readiness. A rage that is programmed. Almost innate. There is no room for fear. Fear slows me down. It is an unnecessary distraction. What's the point in being afraid. It will never stop what is coming. It will never protect me. Although maybe this "condition" came about because of fear. I don't fucking know. I am not a mental health professional.
Consequential thinking is what keeps me in check. I am not a big guy and I am not a professional fighter. I just know that if I intend to hurt someone, i would go to any lengths to accomplish just that. Years ago, that would easily get me sent back to prison but now....hahaha....I have other ways to get at people. Not exactly a black hat but I have my ways. I take pride in the ability to hurt those who have wronged me. It makes me laugh. It feels good.
I don't hear voices but it is almost like there is a battle between good and evil in my mind. I don't want to change but i do. I long for peace but I am ready for war. My "forever goal" is to never be a victim. But I guess I am a victim of my own actions because this line of thinking has a price. Mental and physical health go into a downward spiral. Pains, sleepiness, light headed, etc. The biggest price of all is to push my loved ones away. Not intentionally but they just don't understand. They never will. How could they? Living in a make believe world of movies and fun books. That there is good in everyone and that happy endings do exist. I beg to differ.
To me, the world is a cruel and dark place, filled with selfish people who step on their own mother to survive. To get what they want. I have come to terms with the idea that these people exist. That they are all around me. It's just that they haven't come to terms with me. A product of my environment. One of the few that will not accept becoming a victim of their indifference.
I haven't written anything in quite some time but I do this now in the hopes that someone I deeply care about can prove me wrong.
