Sympathy

I don't consciously find myself afraid of many things.....if at all. Unsettling.....yeah. I do find this unsettling. Not a lot of things but some.

Today I came into the realization that people really cannot be trusted. Not everyone. I have legitimately tried to use my "powers" for good. Tried to help people in attempt to do some good in this world. In a world where I already have trouble trusting people. In fact, my general line of thinking is that most people will eat their own kids if it meant their own survival.

I discovered that someone that I was helping has lied to me. Not once.....not twice....multiple times. Truthfully my reason for helping was to help his family because I felt sorry for them. I've actually invested a lot of time in helping this person. I wasn't looking for anything else in return other than honesty and integrity. I've even expressed that verbally in the beginning. Apparently that didn't sink in.

Now I feel betrayed. I feel anger and spite for this person. I feel like he should suffer. I could make him suffer. That seems like a good idea but at the end of the day, those closest to him will suffer. It's not fair. That people like him get to go around and make others suffer for his selfishness.

I don't have sympathy for him. His family? Yes. Why should they suffer for his transgressions? Even physical violence sounds great at this point but then if I get arrested, then the people closest to me will suffer. Would I? Yes but I don't care for myself as much as the others I care for. If that makes any sense. Meaning, I've had to endure the consequences of my poor decisions. No drugs, denial, or running away. Head on. All at once. I bared it. Not only because I had to but because I was strong enough to.

To me, it takes great strength to endure a mental anguish that will not let up any time soon. To know ahead of time that it will not be over for a long time. To know in advance that it will be very difficult. To know that you alone will have to carry the weight but gravity is a fucking bitch.

But I digress. People that care about me say to leave him be. That he suffers by his own actions and not by my hand. They are probably right but I can't help feeling that it's not enough. I will wait to find someone that will deserve my wrath. Someone that will justify my anger. So I can feel like I am doing the right thing. All I want is for someone to feel this pain that I silently carry around. This pain that will never go away. I want to inflict it.

Hypervigilance

Apparently this is not an actual condition but i was diagnosed with it. Go fucking figure. It's like being in a constant state of fight or flight. It's not really constant but when ever i'm outside, receive a phone call, hear the doorbell....you get the picture.

I wonder if other people who have this "condition" feel the same way. It's not fear that I feel when it takes over. It's a state of readiness. A rage that is programmed. Almost innate. There is no room for fear. Fear slows me down. It is an unnecessary distraction. What's the point in being afraid. It will never stop what is coming. It will never protect me. Although maybe this "condition" came about because of fear. I don't fucking know. I am not a mental health professional.

Consequential thinking is what keeps me in check. I am not a big guy and I am not a professional fighter. I just know that if I intend to hurt someone, i would go to any lengths to accomplish just that. Years ago, that would easily get me sent back to prison but now....hahaha....I have other ways to get at people. Not exactly a black hat but I have my ways. I take pride in the ability to hurt those who have wronged me. It makes me laugh. It feels good.

I don't hear voices but it is almost like there is a battle between good and evil in my mind. I don't want to change but i do. I long for peace but I am ready for war. My "forever goal" is to never be a victim. But I guess I am a victim of my own actions because this line of thinking has a price. Mental and physical health go into a downward spiral. Pains, sleepiness, light headed, etc. The biggest price of all is to push my loved ones away. Not intentionally but they just don't understand. They never will. How could they? Living in a make believe world of movies and fun books. That there is good in everyone and that happy endings do exist. I beg to differ.

To me, the world is a cruel and dark place, filled with selfish people who step on their own mother to survive. To get what they want. I have come to terms with the idea that these people exist. That they are all around me. It's just that they haven't come to terms with me. A product of my environment. One of the few that will not accept becoming a victim of their indifference.

I haven't written anything in quite some time but I do this now in the hopes that someone I deeply care about can prove me wrong.