Sympathy

I don't consciously find myself afraid of many things.....if at all. Unsettling.....yeah. I do find this unsettling. Not a lot of things but some.

Today I came into the realization that people really cannot be trusted. Not everyone. I have legitimately tried to use my "powers" for good. Tried to help people in attempt to do some good in this world. In a world where I already have trouble trusting people. In fact, my general line of thinking is that most people will eat their own kids if it meant their own survival.

I discovered that someone that I was helping has lied to me. Not once.....not twice....multiple times. Truthfully my reason for helping was to help his family because I felt sorry for them. I've actually invested a lot of time in helping this person. I wasn't looking for anything else in return other than honesty and integrity. I've even expressed that verbally in the beginning. Apparently that didn't sink in.

Now I feel betrayed. I feel anger and spite for this person. I feel like he should suffer. I could make him suffer. That seems like a good idea but at the end of the day, those closest to him will suffer. It's not fair. That people like him get to go around and make others suffer for his selfishness.

I don't have sympathy for him. His family? Yes. Why should they suffer for his transgressions? Even physical violence sounds great at this point but then if I get arrested, then the people closest to me will suffer. Would I? Yes but I don't care for myself as much as the others I care for. If that makes any sense. Meaning, I've had to endure the consequences of my poor decisions. No drugs, denial, or running away. Head on. All at once. I bared it. Not only because I had to but because I was strong enough to.

To me, it takes great strength to endure a mental anguish that will not let up any time soon. To know ahead of time that it will not be over for a long time. To know in advance that it will be very difficult. To know that you alone will have to carry the weight but gravity is a fucking bitch.

But I digress. People that care about me say to leave him be. That he suffers by his own actions and not by my hand. They are probably right but I can't help feeling that it's not enough. I will wait to find someone that will deserve my wrath. Someone that will justify my anger. So I can feel like I am doing the right thing. All I want is for someone to feel this pain that I silently carry around. This pain that will never go away. I want to inflict it.